i really admire anorexics for their power of will.

i think if i had the willpower i’d be anorexic too. 

oh i know i’m not overweight. i know i’m not unhealthy in any way. i have a strong, well-nourished body, and i keep it that way. i wear a size four-to-six and i have a perfectly proportional hourglass figure. i KNOW there are girls out there who would love my body.

which makes me feel terrible that i hate it so much. and i do hate it.

every time i sit down and my thighs displace and spread over the surface on which i’m sitting, i cringe and get up, or i let my legs rest on my tippy toes so that my thighs don’t touch the chair.

whenever i catch a glimpse of the crease where my upper belly roll folds over onto the lower belly fat, i sit straight up and SUCK IT IN.

when i twist my torso and watch my skin fold over my side, or when i’m running and i can feel my thighs and belly bouncing, or when i turn my head and have folds in my neck (my NECK!) i hate myself so much i spend an hour staring at myself in the mirror and scowling and poking at the various grievances of my body that offend me so.

and i can’t stop it. no matter how many compliments i fish from my friends when i say “ew” and they say “shut up skinny bitch”, i can’t stop thinking about how much thinner i wish i were.

i’ve watched ana thinspiration videos on youtube.

remember my lenten promise? my fast? remember how i told everyone it was just a personal challenge to see if i could do it? well i’m pretty sure it was obvious to everyone that i was just trying to form a habit of living on less calories so it would be easier to lose weight.

the sad thing is i think that’s when i gained the most. yes, i cheated. and when i cheated, i cheated BIG because i just got so damn hungry i’d eat an entire box of graham crackers when i got home from school.

idk if i’m more disappointed that i don’t have the power to do it, or that i’m not any thinner.

it’s seriously a problem. i can’t enjoy food anymore. well i can, but right afterward i feel guilty. i feel awful. so i try not to eat in company anymore.

i check out girls and compare myself to them so much that people catch me and ask me if i’m lesbian. i’m not. i just want so much to be exactly like the tiny asian girls i’m SURROUNDED with every day. 

i don’t even know WHY. will it give me some kind of self-validation to be thin? will i feel more confident? will i feel like guys will like me more? not that i really care about that—guys are a waste of my time. dating in general is a waste of time.

bottom line is, i hate my body. and if i could, i’d go to great unhealthy lengths to destroy and remodel.

you don’t have to be afraid for me though. i’m not in any danger of it because i can’t even get that right.

so why am i posting this? not really for the benefit of a cry for help or attention—more like i’m musing on how much i am affected and consumed and defined by my goal to be thin. it’s pathetic really. i just wanted to say that i have self-consciousness issues too, even when i don’t act like it. that’s why i started performing. to force myself to be outgoing and get over myself.

i think it’s just lowered my self-esteem even more.